The Ballad of Bomberman- Act 3

Act 3: Convince or Confuse!

November 18,2010

Dept. of Fuel and Mineral Engg.

Well if on Monday I was saved by my room mate, then on Tuesday Fortuna and Tyche themselves helped me out of Mandrake's torture session! I was halfway through the prac-o-mania and things had turned, to say the least, humorously favourable.
Wednesday was a gap day. I did nothing much. I had been doing nothing much for some time then. So, while people were busy studying for the 'Excursion Viva' on Thursday, I was writing a new blog post, chatting on FB, looking up for t-shirts on Myntra's website, pondering over which one's to buy soon.
It wasn't like I didn't want to study. I couldn't. Why? Well, here's the story.
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The 'excursion' on which the Thursday viva was going to be based happened sometime back in February this year,if I remember correctly. And guess what? I didn't go on that excursion! So while the rest of the future mineral engineers were getting to know about the various equipments and stuff at McNally Bharat Engineering, good old Varun lay in his bed, down with a fever which was the direct precursor of the break-up he had the night before!
The HoD was furious at my absence but our CR, Pathak- my sweetheart, controlled the situation. Still the HoD said he wanted a valid certificate from a doctor about my condition (physical, not mental!) or he would not let me sit in the semester exams. I didn't give a damn about the certificate, and the HoD, well he is too old to remember everything that he says!
And at that point I had thought- "Phew!That was a close shave man! Got away easily this time!"
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But the ghosts of the past had come back to haunt me. Imagine being in my situation and sitting in the viva when you never went for the excursion. It's like asking a virgin to write a 500 words essay on his sexual experiences!
I was confident the professors would have forgotten the attendance thingy.The only  worry was I had to sit there and bluff! Good thing for me, my room mate came to my rescue again. He had carried a camera on that day and I got to see what MBE actually looked like. My preparation comprised of knowing the place where we went(read, where I never went), a brief of the company operation told to us by the in-charge there ( read , never told to me), what equipments we saw (read, I never saw). That much was enough,I guessed. And I was way better than many other guys, including our very own Pammy-He had been on the trip and now while preparing he looked up for the company's site at Google by typing "Mechanically Bharat Engineering"!!! No wonder we hear so many Sardar jokes everyday! :P
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It was Kalicharan and Jha again! I was relieved to see no Nikkam the HoD. My group comprised of Bhangi, Adi, Baul and me. Adi too had missed out on the excursion and we were both happy that none of us would go to the gallows alone!
But I guess the professors had been bored to death by continuously asking questions about MBE. And so when we went in, they decided to ask some very basic textbook questions. What more could I have asked for! Well, I could have actually. They asked us some trick questions about the difference between Ball mills and Rod mills. All of us bungled up. But the bungling was so synchronized and carried out with such fluidity that the professors didn't notice it. I mean what we all said was correct, it was just not what they wanted to hear. But as soon as they opened their mouth in pride, ready to shower their clouds of knowledge upon us, we took advantage and started parroting the same things, just a second ahead of them! Once we started, it was easy to make out what they were gonna say next. And the effect of it all was that the profs believed we actually knew everything! Poor old chaps! Got fooled by the Gen Y !
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I took a peek into the marking sheet in Kalicharan's hand and I believe a saw a B against my name. For the non-IIT junta, that means 7 on 10. Not bad at all, considering I never went to the excursion!


PS- The only con in this entire episode was that I was taken back to the time of my break-up! Why can't we just erase some memories from our minds?


Continued...

The Ballad of Bomberman - Act 2

Act 2: Timing is Everything

11:30 am, November 16,2010

Location- Dept. of Fuel and Mineral Engg.

After the heroics displayed by me on Monday, I was elated and elevated. Although what I did was not by societal standards a good deed, I still wanted to believe that I had in some way broken out of a cage.My firm belief that exams, or for that matter vivas,could not be cleared without decent preparation,had been shattered to bits. The fear before Material Handling exam had been replaced with a sense of pride and freedom. But I had decided that that was the first and the last time. No more of such irresponsible behaviour  from now onwards. Hah! What a joke!

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5 pm Monday evening, I was done with my first prac. The week had 3 more vivas on the menu. And the next one-Physical Separation, was going to be served with breakfast on Tuesday morning at 10 o'clock. While all the guys were discussing how 'Mandrake'(Phy. Separation prof.) would rape each and every student of Vth MLE, I was already on my way out of the campus. I needed some air. I mean all this panicky behaviour just turns me off. 

And 'Mandrake'? Come on! He is nothing! Well, his actual name is N.R Mandre. I christened him 'Mandrake' after the famous cartoon character. That is because our beloved professor has the very special quality of magically removing smiles from the faces of his students and replace them with creases of tension. He once caught me in class while I was busy examining a hair that had come off my scalp while I was removing my cap. I have been an eternal back bencher in his class.I didn't pay much attention to his scolding, because he's an a** anyway! But I do remember his comparing me to a donkey and moron and officially declaring that I would never be a good mineral engineer! Like I ever wanted to be one!

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9:30 pm Monday night

I had just come back to my room and as usual it had more occupants than the two beds in it could support. I gave the tress passers an I-want-to-sleep-get-the-f***-out-of-my room look and after 15 minutes I was in my dream world. It was something about me and my girlfriend and some regular college stuff thrown in. 

7:30 am Tuesday morning

I woke up with my best friend's good morning SMS. The morning was already doomed. I had Mandrake waiting to rape me, and I didn't even cared to buy some 'protection'! I hurriedly completed my unfinished practical notebook. That took about an hour. Brushing, bathing and breakfast took another half an hour. I spent the remaining 1 hour playing PacMan and Poker on my Manish's laptop. I had decided I would just ask questions from the guys going in before me. The easy way out, as always!

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Before I tell you how I fared in my viva, let me describe the scene and position of all the characters and elements in the room. On the other side of a huge antique table- Kalicharan, Mandrake, and their sidekick LK-our three nemesis. On this side of the table- Me,Baul the stupid,Nanga the alcoholic,Reja the topper ,Purwar the overconfident a** and  Manish the laptop guy!

6 on 3...sounds good,right? Well, me and Reja were the best prepared guys in the group, so now you can see the odds were not really in our favour.

Mandrake fired the first shot. He inquired from LK about our attendances in lab throughout the semester and Baul and Purwar came out to be defaulters. First blood!

Mandrake ordered us all to write down one practical each that we had performed in the lab.Nanga was the first one to finish. But hardly did he realize what a blunder he had just made. As soon as his pen stopped, Mandrake and Kalicharan directed their guns towards him. The started questioning him alternately and soon we bid farewell to Nanga. Three men down in the first 5 minutes!

Seeing Nange's fate, me,Reja and Manish slowed down our pens. We were buying time, because each group was being held captive for around 20 minutes. I had been thrown a relatively easy practical at me, one which I knew about. My finishing coincided with Kalicharan leaving the room on account of some urgent work. Great!3 on 2 now!

Mandrake asked me the basic principle of the experiment I had written down. Piece of cake. But before I could open my mouth, his cellphone interrupted(with the worst ringtone I have ever heard in my life)! Reja had engaged LK in a duel,Manish was still writing and I had a few minutes to spare.I was so excited at my good luck that I quietly took out my cellphone and messaged my best friend-"Viva going on.I am doing good! :)". She replied with a string of question marks. I decided not to reply. And it was a good decision because just as I slipped the phone back in my pocket, Mandrake returned.

I answered his question and after that he asked a tricky question related to diamagnetism and paramagnetism. Now this was his trump card- Divide and destroy! All six of us looked at each other, not sure what to do. Purwar,Baul and Manish stuck to one theory, Nanga kept quiet, Reja gave one of his own and I decided to stick to mine. And luckily for me, I turned out to be the correct one! That impressed Mandre,or maybe my wearing a shirt impressed him. Whatever, the impression did not last long, as he scolded us all for being the worst batch in the history of Mineral Engineering. It was a ritual every incoming group had to undergo before going out. But I knew I had done well!

PS- I still wonder,"What if I had decided to reply to my best friend and Mandrake would have caught me with a cellphone in my hand in the middle of a viva?"

Continued...

The Ballad of Bomberman - Act 1

Act 1: The Printing Press
4:30 pm,November 15,2010

Location: Dept. of Mechanical Engg.

"Abey jaldi chhap! Aankh band karke chhap!"- Vikas, my room mate, and currently my saviour, was prompting me with hushes.

"Abey tu bas likhta jaa, maine yahan printing press khol di hai!" - Me,a topper of my times, currently at the mercy of others, was boasting shamelessly!

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I was blindly copying whatever Vikas was writing down in his answer sheet. His writing would have been barely legibly in normal circumstances, but this was examination time!

Desperate situations call for desperate measures! 

My head was tilted 60 degree away from Vikas's copy, my left hand was covering my roving eyes, and my eyelids had been strictly instructed not to bat. In all, I was 'in the zone'!  It's a term usually applied to sports persons when they are giving a performance of their lifetime.  Well, I considered myself not less than Sachin Tendulkar en route to a 200 there!

I had completed the practical file in the morning itself. So,being ready for the written exam was a deed I could think of performing in the next life only. I had just skimmed through the practicals and had half heartedly listened to another one of those 'enlightening GD sessions' of the 'genius' guys of the branch.Moreover, my room mate had prepared a day in advance, so by engineering college standards, I had prepared well for the exam!

The professor and his side kick research scholar were pieces of cake to get through while cheating. But my inquisitive a** was the only enemy in the field! I mean, I was prepared like shit, I had no F-ing idea what the answers were, and here I was, pointing out errors in Vikas's answer sheet. The guts!

We were literally having a discussion in the middle of an exam there. And Vikas had to convince me that his answers were right and I could copy them safely,without the fear of failing(like if I refused to copy them, the professor would pass me on account of my honesty and perseverance to copy only the 100% correct answer!) Finally, the honest cheater inside me gave in and I started 'Xeroxing' his answer sheet.

'WE' breezed through the 50 minute 60 marker. Actually it was Vikas who breezed through,I just hung on to him with tightly! In the end, it didn't matter that much, because rumour had it that the professor was not going to check the copies anyway and would give an 8 pointer to everyone,at the least! 

So much for being an adamant a** in the middle of an exam!

PS- There are two ways to excelling in an exam. Studying well. Or copying well!


Continued...

'Horror' scope!

Good morning Varun Tyagi! It's Saturday the 2nd of Oct, 1130 hours IST and here's a look into your near future:-

Education/ Career

You have your mid semester exams from Monday. Seeing your preparation and your inclination to do everything other than studying, it can be safely predicted that you are going to screw up again!

Also your attendances are at an all-time low, so if you were thinking of staying back at home for Diwali at least this year, you might as well throw that thought outta window!

Travel

You forgot to book tickets for your return journey after Dusshera vacations. The magic ball (aka the crappy site of IRCTC) shows that now you can do anything from pulling your hair off your head or sell your soul to Satan but you won't be coming back to college on a confirmed reservation!

You even forgot to book tickets for that Dehradun-Mussoorie trip your beloved mom so eagerly planned out. In the next few hours you're gonna face her fury over the phone when you tell her how your lazy ass has almost jeopardized the entire trip. 

Financial Matters

Congratulations! You are neck deep in debts, thanks to some whole hearted spendings lately! You don't even remember how much you spent and where! It is suggested that you better cover up these transactions( with special aid from Sister Charity) before Reserve Bank of Home gets a hint of your insolvency and declares you bankrupt!

Health

Your sleep cycle is facing disturbances of the same scale as being observed in the rain cycles of North India! Exercising is slowly sliding into backseat, not a good sign for someone who has been working out for a coveted 6-pack!

Romance

You seem to be confused! The cards dealt to you are a tricky lot. Play with caution.

PS- Piggy Chops has made me crazy with her look in Anjaana Anjaani. Too hot to handle! I love you ( drooling all over the place)!!!

The stunt called 'Engineering Second Year'

The bell rang. It was over.
As the invigilators started collecting answer sheets,someone from the back shouted 'THIRD YEAR' and received unanimous appreciation.Yes, two years of engineering were now over!
Generally after the last exam, everyone around you goes insane. I mean, people are insane anyway! But after the last exams,man they act like they are gladiators returning from the arena alive!(Aren't they really?!!)
On my way to the room, I saw final year guys rejoicing,dancing at becoming an engineer.Everyone was congratulating each other.Some wore the weirdest 'fancy dresses'...and I still don't understand the purpose of wearing fancy dresses to probably the last exam of your life!(Can you imagine my friend Vikas saw a 'Superman' there too???Ya I know...it's hilarious!)
As for me,I was, as always,happy. Not the 'HAPPY' happy....but the small,contented happy.I had screwed in my exams big time! In fact, I can confidently say this was my worst performance.But, I was still not going paranoid!(You are supposed to when you have never gone below 80 but now almost failing in 2 subjects).Why?I don't know...maybe because I stopped caring a long time back???
Second year engineering...I'll never forget this one 'eventful' year...NEVER...because it was rather too eventful!
Looking back, I see....
1. myself sitting in the canteen or sleeping in the room, when I should have been in the class.(SEM III)
2. guys around me taking up drinking and smoking, and wasting away their health, at the same time complaining how mess food was weakening them day after day!!
3. a decision to start working out and sticking to it like a crazy for the whole year...and people commenting on my new improved physique! :)
4. FACEBOOK!
5. myself falling in love...and falling out of it in 20 days!
6. me,Vikas and our airplane...
7. a complete disinterest in anything remotely related to Mineral Engineering, surviving short attendance scare in MMR 13101 and a 7 pointer scrape yet again!

Repeat points 1,5,7 but change the semester, the girl and the subject respectively.

Semester IV brought...
1. my sister's marriage! And my understanding of the phrase 'The Big Fat Indian Wedding'!!!
2. Kshitij @ IIT-KGP, where our airplane flew for a few seconds, but we flew for days!!!
3. my new camera and my new passion!
4. backbench...daydreaming, sleeping, calling the FMC 14101 prof an ass**** and being heard!
5. old friends, new friends, good friends, bad friends!
6. Diamond roof,night, me and the endless sky!
7. Photoshop and Blogger!

Thus ended my second year...full of ups and downs.
Anyway,I'm a 'HALF-ENGINEER' now!It's one week before I head off to ESSAR Steel,Vishakhapatnam for a 42 day long training...my first industrial interaction and I am quite excited about it!


PS- 'S' you are a cute and decent girl and I really liked you.I seriously wish things had not gone wrong...
     'P' you are not what I thought you were and I really hate you. I seriously wish things had not started at all...

Give an Idea Sir ji!

A very funny sms that I received yesterday...it goes like this..."Government says save water, Abhishek says save paper....toh bechara aam aadmi potty kaise saaf karega?mobile se?(How will the common man wipe his a** off?!! With a mobile phone?!!)...give an idea sir ji..."

Incredibly enough,I started pondering over the possible alternatives...what?No, not of wiping a** of course!

Yeah of saving water and paper....Some of them...

1.Stop playing Holi...Why to get all coloured and messed up only to scrub yourself like a gazillion year old utensil later on! Plus a large majority of junta has very 'noble' motives behind this 'rang lagao' scheme...let's 'wash out' their plans!! :)

2.Stop using greeting cards...use e-cards...use sms...or u can do one more thing...ACTUALLY MEET and TALK!(Best communication minus any expense!! What else can you ask for??)

3.Colleges should allow students to bring laptops to class....I believe an entire Amazonian rain forest could be saved if students of India(>10000000 and counting) would stop using notebooks and start using 'notebooks'!

4.Scrap exams! Take orals..or if taking a 'rote-memory-only-no-practical-application' written exam becomes a matter of life and death(which it never will),go online...(would be so 'hi-tech' to cheat via GTalk and Google out formulae..will increase the typing skills too!!)

5.Ask your mom to let you wear that jeans for another week...tell her you are being 'socially responsible'(That's parent's only version of "I wear dirty denim because it looks cool \m/")

6.Stop buying tickets! Movie tickets,bus,train,plane,parking....any and every ticket....just don't! If someone confronts you,tell them you have boycotted paper products and give them a lecture on environment and blah blah blah....

7.Government should do away with paper currency(read 'give it to me because its MY IDEA'!!)... introduce Barter all over again...I would love to trade useless gifts( yeah GREETING CARDS n all) from my exes for that pair of shades! ;)

Thought of many more...will keep 'educating' the masses with my 'noble and innovative' methods! ;)

You can also add...after all it's everyone's a** that is at stake!! :p

PS- Wiping off an a** with an iPhone won't be that bad,right?(It would be millions of times smoother than any toilet paper produced in the history of mankind!!)