Writing is in the genes

Okay now I was wondering how I got this literary bug in me? I mean I write well. Well enough to be complimented for that. So where exactly it comes from? My dad cannot write for nuts.He is a government employee. Indian government employees are not in the habit of writing. They can be Olympic champions at debating and criticizing their government, but writing is not their cup of coffee( tea, for Indians). My sister is a boring CA. The only writing she did was when she was en-route to topping one hard ass exam after another. Now she types, balance sheets and stuff. But no writing. That zeroed in all my suspicions on Mom. But I haven't seen her writing.Still that was circumstantial evidence towards her innocence.
But now she has been caught in the act. Of late, she has been living alone. Don't worry it's not a family trouble. It's just that dad's gotta transfer, didi got married in January this year and so Mom had no choice left. And this sudden loneliness has caused her to slip into depression. It is understandable, given her age and all. Okay, back to the point. So, I was talking to her on the phone yesterday when she dropped the bomb. She told me she had written a short story. What? When? How? She casually told me that she has always been into writing. She used to write in college too. And now when she has all the time in the world, why not return to writing? Aaaahh....so my suspicions were correct after all. Like all the other good things in me, this one's from mom too. Love you mom!

Free is not always a good thing!

Yes, believe me it isn't. Free messages for instance. I know what you are going to say. I am always cribbing about this kinda stuff. Yes, I am. Any normal human being with a desire to live peacefully would do the same. Yes, I hate miscalls.(See 'The Misscall Generation') But, free messages? Come on, that's hitting under the belt! I mean, it's like suddenly I see I-have-free-sms-to-annoy-you-24*7 people all around me. Everyday, I get dozens hundreds thousands of smses.The so stereotypical and out of fashion Santa-Banta jokes( come on dude, hasn't anyone heard of Little Johnny?), the sentimental craps, relationshits, the 'morals and wisdom ones', the utterly useless 'send me backs', the spooky chain smses, the know ur lover/future/fucker types...my life has become an Inbox, if nothing else.

I know friends, you have my number. I gave it to you myself. On the belief that you will use it when you need me. Please don't misuse my trust. I know you love me and care for me (although lately I have seriously started doubting that).

You wake me up in the morning with CID PJ's. Isn't that cruel?

You vibrate my balls(literally) in the middle of 'an already too much of a torture' lecture. Because of you I have stopped keeping my cellphone in my jeans pocket and have to reach for my bag every time the phone buzzes. Do you realize  how inconvenient that is?

Do you have any idea how many hours in a day I have to spend deleting tons of sms from my Inbox?

Do you realize each one of you sends me the exact same joke,sometimes twice and thrice? How funny would that be?

Do you know that 9 times out of 10, you wish me 'Gn/gnyt/gudnyt' in the middle of the day and wish for my good day at 11:30 pm? How very caring of you!

Do you realize that the WMD you brought for 20 bucks is available in my locality too? That I could also retaliate with gazzilions of free sms if I wanted to?

Did you actually intend to send me that 'exclusive' sms or was I just a name in a long list?

I might come across as unsocial, anti-social or even someone who has shunned sociality in any form.  Someone who's all gloomy-doomy. I might look like someone who doesn't care for those who care so much for him. But, reality couldn't be farther than that. I like to laugh. I can make you laugh. For that you have to meet me. I don't need Santa/Banta's help. I am social too. But, FREE SMS IS NOT MY IDEA OF SOCIALIZING! Neither do I intend to show my care and love through constant pestering. And I sincerely expect the same from anyone who remotely wishes for my sanity, whatever is left of it that is. So if you can read this, given your busy schedule(with all that sms sending and receiving) please, in the name of GOD(whichever form you believe in) stop it. It ain't cool!

PS- Airtel, Idea, Vodafone, Uninor and all you others. Damn you all to the darkest caverns of hell! With a cellphone with only incoming facility. Free sms,huh? I'll send you free sms then!

Theory of unrelativity

Relativity- A state of dependence in which the existence or significance of one entity is solely dependent on that of another.

So by traditional English standards (if there are any, since English is the most abused language ever invented) 'unrelativity' should refer to 'A state of dependence in which the existence or significance of one entity is solely dependent on the lack of that of another.'

Now, it might sound simple and utterly useful. But, ladies and gentleman, unrelativity is a part and parcel of our day to day lives. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that unrelativity is the root cause of all our happiness. You don't believe me? I thought so. That's why I came prepared. Being an engineer (in the making,that is) I believe strongly in exemplifying as a method of understanding. So here's some picks from our daily lives:-

1. Your interest in your GF, your appreciation of her beauty, intelligence blah blah blah...in short the existence of your feelings and the significance of your relationship is solely dependent on the lack of a better girl in your life. The moment you see one, you are tempted to change the bus. Works the same way for girls too,

Unrelativity, you see.

2. The significance of your grades and the existence of the happiness so generated is solely dependent on the lack of better grades in class. Don't tell me you feel happy to be informed that you scored a decent B+ only to be like 49 out of 50 in class! A  B+ in itself would have been nice, the chink in the armour was???.....being the second last nerdo in class!

Buddy,that's unrelativity.

3.This one's for the health conscious ones. The existence of your self confidence and the significance of your health standard in your own mind is solely dependent on the lack of the nearby presence of a supermodel or a Greek god. Guys, we all know, we don't give a rat's ass about those gigantic beer bellies, UNTIL someone we know rips off his shirt to show that envious 6-pack. I have observed this in gym too. Weaklings pose before mirror like an eight-time Mr.Olympia. Enter that buff guy, and the weakling starts feeling week again!

Unrelativity at work again.

4. The significance of your academic talent and the existence of some respect for you in your parent's eyes is solely dependent on the lack of the presence of that dreaded same-age neighbour who always notches a mark higher than you.Even his parents are not happy.Because someone else did to their son what their son did to my parent's son! Why do parents always have to compare their kids? I wonder how our dads would feel when we'll start comparing them to Gates, Jobs, Ambani and Tata?

5.The existence of taste in the food in your mess is solely dependent on the lack of quality food in nearby mess. Being an engineering undergrad, I know how that delicious paneer suddenly turns tasteless when that friend from the other mess proudly shows off his rabri jalebi and sadistically winks at me!

 

I could give you a gazillion more examples to prove my point. Your college, your neighbourhood,your job, your home, your country, forget every other damn thing, your entire life! The significance of everything is solely dependent on the lack of presence of a better one.

But, in my experiments, I came across some anomalies too.(I told you I am an honest guy!). Two most frequently observed and most puzzling were:-

1.Your professor/boss will never be happy with you. Regardless of the lack of a better student/employee , these people will always make you feel like you are the scum of the world.

2.Any Venusian will never be happy with her figure, the lack of a better counterpart simply does not count.

So you see, unrelativity is the omnipresent phenomenon! The reason for all happiness and sanity. Hey, you white haired womanizer there, yes you Einstein, you listening to me,huh?

PS- A friend asked me to find out the difference between 'allegation' and 'elegation'.I am elated he preferred me over Google.I could even mention that in my CV,right? Anyway,here's the deal

Allegation- An unproved statement or assertion, specially in case of an accusation

Elegation- Problem solving, decision making and interpretation of data.

Of Kurt, Axl and the faltering Prof.Jha!

We all listen to music. Everyone of us( except the deaf, of course!) We all have our tastes( good and bad,in some cases extremely bad!!). Of late, I have come across so much music that I have started associating each one of the songs I hear with a unique feeling it evokes in me. 

Nirvana- I instantly start seeing stockpiles of Cocaine, Marijuana, LSD, syringes, spoons etc. The entire room is filled with smoke and I start drifting in air. Kurt Cobain pulls off the seemingly impossible trick of transferring his dope content to me via his songs! Nice!

Guns and Roses- Undoubtedly, my favourite band. Axl on the MIC and Slash on the guitar is something only God could've imagined! Varied feelings. Each song casts a different spell on me. On the whole they are very very enjoyable. Associated visions are those of leather jackets, boots, long hair, a dozen chicks in both arms( and a lot more running behind), which is very much responsible for GNR's top placing!

ACDC- Gawds! Seriously! Instant foot tapping! Came across "Highway to Hell' only last year and since then I think I've completed the entire discography thrice! They're completely insane (much like me) and I can't help breaking into a jig whenever Brian is on the roll!

Himesh Reshamiya- Okay, now we all have heard him some time or the other. Admit it! And insanely enough, most of us were Himess bhai's fans too! His name's spelling has seen more changes than his voice and compositions! Well, for the feeling part, I start feeling like a complete FOSLA member, who is the world record holder of the most number of rejections and heart breaks! Songs are good for those who have just had a break-up or are sure to have one soon! You are not alone guys, Himess bhai is there too!

Linkin Park-  It's a loose cross between Nirvana and Himess bhai. Although the illusion is a lot more chaotic. Scary visions of world destruction, fallout, wars, Armageddon are common. Also it's a good medicine for those who believe that motivation can be achieved through listening to songs. (Believe me, it can't) LP fans are mostly global rejects, asylum inhabitants( not insane, that's different, way different!), down and out losers seeking redemption and those who believe that being a loner is a style statement.

90's Bollywood songs- Umm...err...well I don't listen to them now. I did when I was a kid. If you are feeling bored, then they can be good entertainers. You will roll off the couch laughing at the lyrics, and the videos...I can't even think about those clothes and dance steps! Thank God it's over!!

Justin Timberlake, Eminem- ATTITUDE! KICK ASS ATTITUDE! I relate to both of them highly.That's because like me, these two can make fun of anyone. JB's usual targets are his ex-GF's( whose aren't??!!) and for Eminem, everyone's a target. Hats off to both of you!  

Lady Gaga, Pussycat Dolls, Shakira, Rihanna, Britney Spears, JLo- Moderated pornography! Length of dresses one-tenth of the length of songs. Never paid attention to lyrics. Was busy watching the pelvic moves and cleavage shows!

SOAD- Bang your head, break everything around you. Beat everyone around you! Take off your clothes! Act like a money!( Caution- Never, and I mean never ever listen to SOAD at home...there will be no doubt left in your parents' minds that you need a shrink!)

Korn, Marilyn Manson- Rebellion! Insane! I-don't care-what-you-think-about-me attitude! \m/

Coldplay- Soooooooothing.........................................

Deff Leppard- If you are in a relationship that's going strong, Deff Leppards for you. Even though I've never fulfilled that condition, still I've always enjoyed Deff!

MJ- Perfect songs for gym! Keeps the tempo up! And every once in a while you can catch someone trying to do 'the moonwalk'! In gym vests and shorts! *uncontrollable laughter*

Mozart and Beethoven symphonies- Introduced in our room by my room mate. Make me feel like a rich old loner, who has everything except people to talk to, and is passing his last few miserable days sitting in a rocking chair in a huge hall, listening to symphonies and remembering the good ol' days!

PS-  Prof. Jha announced my name in class together with a 'Your attendance is short' remark. That, when I've only missed 5 classes out of like 20+ classes. And a guy whose only presence in the class is his name on the attendance sheet with an unbroken string of Absents, was not bestowed with the same gift as me! Great! Even a bad luck would've been better than this!

Wake me up when Sunday ends...

Sunday afternoon. Boring Depressing Nostalgic Confused Sunday afternoon. The Sunday which seemed so lucrative in my childhood days. The Sunday which has now become nothing but a buffer between Saturday and Monday.

Mom, dad and didi's wake up calls have been replaced by mobile alarm. Chitrahaar, Jungle Book and Shaktimaan have been replaced by Facebook, Blogger and Youtube. Early morning cricket has given way to early morning CAT coaching. Samose-jalebi in bed is now but a distant memory.

Still, I wait for Sunday with the same impatience and zeal as a decade ago.(I believe every human being is hard-wired to do that). It's just that when Sunday finally arrives, I don't know what to do. On the rare ocassions when I realize what I want to do, it's already Sunday evening!

Photography, reading and blogging are good. They keep me sane. But, I want more. I need more. I don't know what I am missing out on. But I do realize it's a huge miss. Beacuse I feel restless. 

Family is 1200 kilometers and 17 long hours away. College friends, well, to say the least are preoccupied(with booze, late night gaming, worthless rantings-in short,everything I don't approve of as 'entertainment'). I don't have a girlfriend. And I thank God for that. Because even when I had one, my weekends were nothing but a marathon phone call...usually ending up in a quarrel over some trivial issue. So, I guess present situation is still better than that mayhem. School friends, I guess took the meaning too seriously. Their friendship ended(almost) no sooner than school did. Most of them have found new lives,new friends, new circles. A little FB chat every now and then is all I can claim out of their busy schedules. But I don't blame them. I can't. I shouldn't. One of my best friends from school( or so I thought) ended one such conversation on the excuse of going for lunch. After two minutes, I could see her application popups on my wall. Several of them, one after another! Hah! Could've told me to buzz off straightaway. Why this pretense? 

But I don't want to single her out. She is a part of a larger group of people who occupied my life and my memories. And now they all seem to be in a rush to get out of that life and those memories. Strange!

Anyway, I think it's just that phase of life that people talk about. When you realize who your real friends are and all that stuff. And waise bhi all this emotional atyachaar is not my cup of coffee. I feel bad, but I know that I'll get over it as soon as I spew it out here on my blog! That's the good thing about me. I have an emotion-control button in my system! (How else do you think I survived 2 rejections and 2 breakups?!!)

PS- One thing I like about my room is that I get a cool breeze on my bed 24X7....I guess I'll rather sleep out this Sunday afternoon than ponder over useless thoughts about useless people!

The 'misscall' generation!

Saturday morning is not just any morning.It is a very special morning.You don't have to worry about getting up late. You know that tomorrow is Sunday. And this knowledge is a heavenly experience. Even if you are getting up early (like me) you know that you have the whole day all by yourself.

So in lieu of this realization, I was quite happy and relaxed this morning. Until my eyes fell on my phone. 2 missed calls. One of them from a batch-mate who lives 2 rooms down the wing. The other from an unknown number(the usual suspect was the melody-queen sales representative from Airtel).

I hate missed calls. There is something about them that annoys me to the extent of paranoia. Just think about it. 2 rooms down the hall! The guy must have woken up, searched for his phone (because engineering students have their rooms REALLY messed up), searched for my number(until and unless he had me on speed dial,which I highly doubt) and then wait for me to pick up. Couldn't he just get up from the bed, come out and knock on my door? No sir, he wouldn't. Why not? It is because he belongs to the 'misscall' generation.

(You must be wondering what about that AIRTEL nightingale. Well, we can forget her for a while, even though she is guilty of another serious offence.Right now, let's focus on these guys and girls who at the first hint would give you a 'misscall').

For the Generation 'M', a misscall is a modern day 'Brahmastra'. For these people, misscall is a boon. Misscall is a lifesaver. For me, misscall is everything it wasn't supposed to be. Have you noticed how numbers are exchanged these days? The archaic tradition of 'You give me yours,I'll give you mine' has been silently replaced by 'You take mine and give me a misscall'! I would rather smash my phone on your head than do that, you lazy moron!

The most commonly heard phrases these days- "Hey, give me a misscall when you reach destination X", "Hey,give me a misscall if the professor comes in the class", "Hey, give me a misscall if you see Miss. X at the library", "Hey,going to the mess? Give me a misscall if the food is shit!".... Hello! What's the f*** is going on? Don't you get it? It is supposed to be a 'missed call'. One that is missed out on. Not a deliberate act emerging out of lowly money-saving thinking and lazy asses!

And then there is a species whose entire existence depends on these misscalls. You guessed it right. I am talking about 'The GF's'. Boy oh boy! Any CEO could take a tip or two from these lasses on how to cut down on costs without affecting 'customer' relations!

All they have to do is make a 'sweet' buzz on their honey-bunny's cellphone. And the rest will be taken care of. Why lady? Why don't you make a full-fledged call? Ever??? And poor chaps, they have to be constantly watchful. Why? Because if they actually miss that misscall, then hell hath no fury..... Believe me, it hurts me a lot when I see guys calling back their GF's instantly, mostly to hear their cribbing or worse, their scoldings. Phew! If only God gave us     guys the same tacts as our Venusian counterparts...

But, the reason of my hatred is more to do with the doer than the deed itself. A misscall (not the actually missed call) raises many questions about the callers character. Is he a miser? Is he too lazy to actually make the call? Is he an illiterate who doesn't know how to execute the entire procedure of cellphone conversation? Or is he a miscreant who couldn't find a better use of his time? In any of the above cases, the caller doesn't deserve a call back. So to hell with you, Mr./Ms. Misscaller! 

This trend would have been understandable a decade ago, when one cellphone call would cost a fortune. But today? I mean come on, calls are cheaper than matchboxes and chewing gums. So what's the excuse, huh? There is none. So, next time you pick up the phone, please go ahead and 'make the call'!

PS- Why do people keep saying "Misscall maar dena?", "Misscall maari thi?" etc. It is annoying like hell. Shoot me with a bullet, but please 'misscall mat maaro'!!!!